Monday morning: I jump out of bed at 6am, full of energy, smiling from ear to ear. Why, you may ask? I’m off for a run of course! And after that, I’ve got my green smoothie to look forward to, plus an energy ball made of dates and spirulina powder. I’ll be so energised for my morning yoga class before work! What a blast!

 

Oh no, hang on a moment. In reality, I drag myself out of bed 15 minutes after my alarm, shove a piece of white bread in the toaster and leave the house 10 minutes later with still wet hair and a general feeling of guilt.

 

Yet however unrealistic the first scenario may seem, it’s a bizarrely familiar picture. We’re being sold the promise of unending energy, permanent happiness and the perfect body everyday. And the title of that promise is: Wellness.

 

#Wellness can currently be found tagged on almost 8 million Instagram photos. Since around 2008, bloggers with "expertise" on the subject have been popping up left, right and centre. They’ve gained such a huge following in telling us how to eat and exercise that they’ve now released bestselling books, opened cafés, and given talks across the country. They’re showing no signs of slowing down, either - Amelia Freer, champion of sugar free "alkaline" eating publishes her third book, Nourish and Glow, this month. It will become at least the eighth book of its kind published since Christmas. In short, pretty difficult to miss.So what exactly are they suggesting?

 

A quick scroll through just a few of those 8 million Instagram pictures will show you the modern essentials for wellness: yoga, crop tops, green juice, and plenty of avocados. In fact, it’s more than just that – or perhaps I should say less. Deliciously Ella, purveyor of "feeling awesome"’ and "expert" in not depriving yourself, suggests cutting sugar, meat, dairy, gluten, and frankly, fun out of your diet in order to attain 'clean' eating. If you’re struggling to think of what’s left after that, besides misery, pain and spiralized courgette, you wouldn’t be alone.

 

"We’ve progressed to a world in which we proclaim gluten a sin whilst wearing a pizza slogan t-shirt"

 

Ruby Tandoh, of Great British Bake Off fame, is part of a movement fighting back against the wellness trend. In an open letter published by Vice, Ruby details the manner in which her "clean eating" progressively became an obsessive eating disorder. She describes having "found wellness" as being a synonym for "fearful and thin". She’s since gone on to suggest eating whatever you want, even if it’s heavy in MSG and coated in fat.

 

Joining her in this is Deliciously Stella – a parody account of the aforementioned wellness expert. Stella (a.k.a. Bella Younger) is also partial to a spiralized pasta replacement, although hers is pink and sticky and also very much available in most supermarkets under the name of strawberry laces. The account, albeit very much meant in jest, highlights the other current trend in food: binging.

 

Somehow, in the name of balance, we’ve progressed to a world in which we proclaim gluten a sin whilst wearing a pizza slogan t-shirt.

 

I will admit to enjoying a slice of pizza or two (or okay, at least half of the whole thing), but it seems to me that we’re stuck in the middle of a ladder of extremes. And it can’t possibly be healthy.

 

So, who do we turn to? The best answer is also the most obvious one. Food writers, critics, and nutritionists are still advocating the balanced diet. After all, despite claiming they can tell you how to totally restructure your diet (sorry, I mean lifestyle), the majority of wellness bloggers have either a "quickie" four-week online nutritionist training, or absolutely no training whatsoever.

 

In the real world, where nutritionists and dieticians have to study for four years, there is little to no positive evidence for cutting out major food groups, and the long held belief of balancing your plate to nourish your body is still held above all. Bee Wilson, the acclaimed food critic and historian, believes that the "rules" of so-called clean eating are akin to those of serious eating disorders. I’m inclined to agree.

 

Of course it’s important to eat well, to nourish your body and to aim to be healthy – but the risk of "clean eating" is, ironically, that it actually becomes an unhealthy act. The promise of "eat like me, look like me" from bloggers like Deliciously Ella, or "Get the Glow" Madeleine Shaw, is surely only one step away from the "copy me and be thin" culture that is fought against in fashion magazines and popular culture.

 

According to a talk on body image at this month’s Women of the World festival, 9 out of 10 British girls dislike the way their bodies look. The weekend-long event at London’s Southbank Centre, celebrating International Women’s Day, is renowned for its wide-ranging programme covering the achievements and issues facing modern women. It commends how far the second sex has come, how much we’ve achieved. And yet, despite managing to come to terms with admiring our brains and abilities, we seem to be a bit stuck on liking the actual bodies that house them.

 

Is it really any wonder?

 

Here’s a suggestion. Cut the rules. Live. And for God’s sake, eat.